[sic] so far-gone.
They say if you pin your hopes on someone, you often wind up full of holes. I don't have hopes and I've got no-one and I'm full of holes. You hit 20 years of age and you know parents can no longer hide you behind them, and you know that you've got nobody to call and nobody is going to call you, and you know you're alone, alienated and lost in the world. Friendless, rudderless -just heading somewhere, boldly going nowhere. Where do you start? And when that cycle is done, from where do you start again?
I grew up hearing people claim that all was vanity. So, here I am being constantly ravaged at 3 a.m. daily, in a cold sweat, contemplating -subsumed with thoughts when I'd rather be formulating questions for questions and answers for the rhetorical ones. Here I am looking to default from the probing of an inquisition, struggling to find the 'who' in me -here we have existential breakdown and they call it vanity. Vaniwhat?
Here I am contemplating what to do with life -stuck at a crossroads having to make a choice but wanting to just disappear, to disintegrate: to cease to be. And this we call vanity? Arrrgggghhhhh!
Here I am contemplating what to do life. Contemplating if to take it, or continue living it –unsure if my everyday decisions are the right ones, unsure if my victories will turn pyrrhic, unsure if when when I make my choice, I’ll find true meaning & clarity, a purpose and a future, someone to love or someone that loves me.
Here I am contemplating if to take it, or continue living it, caught in the grip of terror, unsure if at any one moment, my fellow human -lost likewise- may hit the edge and -engulfed in flames- may combust taking me with him over said edge.
Here I am contemplating if to take it, or continue living it wondering if when I reach the horizon I'd still be unsure -at the point of death!- whether the future...[lied]...before...[me]...or behind.
How is this vanity? Hell of a way to kick a guy when he's down!
They say it's a right to pursue happiness -but here I asked them: Where is happiness so I can head in that direction? No answer. I just want to live......but what is it to live? Where is the road I should follow?
To live without fear of heaven or hell, without thoughts of eternity, the past or the present -that is happiness! I just want to be in the state of ‘being' –in the state of ‘being’ with someone that loves me. Show me how to get there -but you can't, can you?
Doubt is the darkness to end all nights, the embolism that cuts off the source, and the jaw that bites the hand that feeds.
I doubt the doubt of the doubt that anyone knows which way to go. I'm goosed.
I'm 20, full of holes and the pressure is on to make something of myself. I walk down streets staring into girl's eyes checking to see if they like me -looking for validation, looking for enlightenment: looking to moor me. FAIL! Inside an arcade shop, hair ruffled, clothes rumpled, listening to indie, my eyes opened. The edge of something is practically the edge of nothing.
I thought it through. If the Edge of Something is the Edge of Nothing and if -as they tell me- what I have now is something, then I'm heading nowhere. The poorest man in the world -they tell me- is not the one without a dime but the one with no dreams -and so here I am so terrifically terrorized I can't dream at night, so pompously preoccupied with here nothingness I can't daydream in the day. Here's the poorest man in the world. And you dare call me vain?
They tell me my life is still ahead of me -now I make sure to wish them a long life. They tell me my life is still ahead of me -now I mutter "kiss my asshole".
Is doubt the enemy? No. We are the enemy. We have made life what it now is -unnecessary.
Thanks all. Here's my personalised fuck you to you with you all in mind.Here's to a hell of a life! I welcome you to it.