Abstract

I'd woken up slowly, my eyelids heavy as I fought them open. Vague shapes dressed in a clinical blue had swam past and faceless voices had bubbled about randomly, the white bright lights above had buzzed and flickered irritatingly. With even the slightest of movement my vision had spun as though I were on a rollercoaster. Tubing was going up my nose, now that I knee it was there the sensation was odd, flaring my nostrils tickled and I tugged out the tubes. Thick wrappings of gauze covered my arm and an I.V stuck out at an awkward angle, it had given an objecting twinge with my previous movement. The blue blobs didn't seem to notice that I was awake and so I made no attempt to alert them, first I needed to figure out how I'd got to this place. My brain had twigged that I was in hospital, but as to how I'd ended up there was still hazy. My hand drifted up from my nose, my skin gave odd tingles. It was like I was numb all over, when I reached the top of my head I felt the dry plaster under my fingertips, it was rough and made my throat well up. This I didn't understand. I wasn't the type to cry but was in total confusion and felt incredibly tired. What had happened to me? Mere confusion caused the tears that blotched my slightly cleared vision. My guttering sobs seemed to at last catch some attention from a blue blur with dark hair, it came wobbling over and a pinkish smear reached out for me, patted my plaster free arm and there was a comforting murmur in my ear. "It's all right dear, just give yourself a second to come round all right? You took quite a spill. Do you want me to get your friends through? Or do you want a moment to clear your head?" I tried to speak but with opening my mouth was very tight, not sore, but it made me winced as I fought to open it, the blob gasped and patted my arm again and I stopped my attempts. "I'm so sorry my dear, of course, don't try to speak, mm... okay. Nod if you want me to bring them through or shake your head if you don't. Okay? Now do you want me to get them or not?" I shook my head, I couldn't deal with anything until I knew what was happening, I saw the hair bob as though a head beneath was nodding, "Okay, you just get me over when you want me all right?" I nodded, "You just take it easy." I closed my eyes - I couldn't see anything anyway so them being open seemed a little pointless. My mind was about as clear as my vision though, I frowned as I fought to remember. It then occurred to me that everywhere was very numb, I could faintly feel the covers over me and the pillow beneath me but... not clearly. I turned my attention back to what had happened. It had been raining, yes, I remembered the cold nipping at my arms as I.... my eyes flew open and I sat bolt up right, the world spun like crazy and an agonised wail broke from my dry lips. Three or four bluish blurs rushed over and pulled me back onto the bed, tears fell down my face as though in the hundred yard dash and my sobs continued to rip from me. The rain, the red flashes, the screech of metal gears and screams of fear. It was all flashing before my eyes and I didn't want it. I didn't want to remember. Ignorance. Where was it when I needed it? I fought against them, but there were too many of them. "Please miss! Calm down!" I gave out a scream and fell onto the bed in a limp, weeping heap, my whole body tingling from the movement, hesitant hands remained on my quivering body but soon retreated as they realised I wasn't going berserk any more. Slowly there was a scratching as the curtain was drawn and I guessed I was alone again. Though then again I was always going to be alone from now on. I knew what had happened. I knew why I was in that bed and why there was plaster and tubes wrapped all over me. The crash. I swallowed my tears hard and breathed in gasps until at least my breathing fell into a fixed beat. I don't know how long I lay there weeping quietly, or how many odd looks I must have been getting from the other side of the curtain, but I didn't care. My heart felt like it was being held tightly by a cold hand, tightening more and more as the dark memories played across my wide eyes. The car. It had been so nice and warm after the cold rain on my skin, I sat snuggled into his arms, the back seat all ours. He'd laughed with my mum as she'd joked about it being past my bed time, I'd been so tired, but sitting there with my step father's arms round me like a blanket made it so hard to resist sweet slumber. My sister had made little jibes about my 'sweet tender age', but I'd just ignored her. That had shut her up. The rain tapped impatiently at the glass of the window, the wipers squeaked their way across, the lights made each droplet look like a fresh diamond and I sighed as I felt his laughter run through him. It had reminded me of how my real father had been, there had been a stab of guilt. But after that, there was nothing. No more laughter. No more safety of his hold, their love or their jokes. It was all gone. In a flash. My mother's scream had been the first to penetrate my drowsy state. The movement of the car throwing me about, his arms tightened round me and I saw the bright, burning headlights flash across my terrified face. My sister screamed next and I soon followed, there was a horrible crunching noise and the car rolled. Ice breaking, steel groaning, hearts stopping. That moment of still as I lay there in those limp arms, my breath came out in ghostly white clouds and a could smell burnt rubber. There was a hot liquid oozing from my head as I scrambled out of the car, fighting through crystals of broken glass. No one had answered my thin wails as I'd escaped, when turning round I'd sunk to my knees as that image of twisted metal and fire glared back. The sheen from the rain slick road looking like a river of molten tar slowly slipping behind. My heart had pounded in my ears and I had attempted to go to help them, but as the cold rain spat against my bare flesh my consciousness failed and soon darkness took me. The hospital ward was very quiet and the lights had long since been turned off, the nurses hadn't attempted to come through the curtain, but I couldn't blame them, I didn't want even want to be near me. I knew those people who had been in the car with me were gone, my mind couldn't bare to think of their names, it hurt too much. Though I was curious as to who would be waiting for me, dad had left years ago and so it wouldn't be him, and surely this wasn't the time for random friends from school to pop in? I sucked in a breath and slowly sat up, I couldn't stay in this bed any longer, the clinical quiet was driving me mad and the occasional beeping from the many machines was going to send me further round the twist. Slowly I got up and slipped out from behind my curtain, the nurse looked up and I gave a timid smile whilst walking over to her, the cold floor prickled at my feet as I went along with the stand my IV was connected to. "I was wondering if... whoever was in the waiting room... well I was wondering if they were still there? Or who it was?" my throat was very sore after my crying and my voice was a frail whisper. My jaw ached but I held in my complaints. Sympathy splintered in her warm eyes and she smiled kindly. "You go get back into bed and I'll see. Just give me a few minutes." "Thank you," I turned to return to my bed but bit my lip, my eyes squinted, "Can't you tell me who it is first please?" "I'm afraid I don't know my dear, it wasn't my shift when they came in, but I'll go and get them. You just get settled." I gave a nod and slowly made my way back into my enclosure and sat quietly, counting my breaths as my impatience gnawed at my nerves. Eventually there were voices to be heard and I sat up under my covers, there was the nurses voice and a faint mumbling, it was a deep voice and I frowned. Who was it? "She's just here." "How is she?" they rumbled in a voice that made my heart skip a beat, the machine next to me made it audible for the entire room. I knew that voice. From a long, long time before, when I'd been only seven. That voice that had left with the winter winds and missed that Christmas and every after. No cards for birthdays. No notes of affection. That wind from behind that door, it had closed that voice out of mind and sight. Out of sight for I'd never seen them again and out of mind for it was forbidden to be spoken of. Yet always had it been in my fondest dreams. "She's better than when she woke up, it's just a bump on the head mainly, a bit of bruising obviously but no broken bones. A few cuts but that's... well that's to be expected." "And no one else.... no one else got out?" "No I'm terribly sorry sir. She's an incredibly lucky girl." The curtain was pulled back and two shapes came through, the encasing area was very dark but the smaller figure went over to the small table next to my bed and made a clicking noise, a moment later there was a soft buzzing and a lamp sprung into life. Illuminated to me for the first time in ten years was a man who was my flesh and blood, I had his eyes, his temper and his stubborn attitude. "Hello Grace." he said with a shy dip of the head, his face more worn than I remembered obviously but it was still him. My father. My mouth opened but only little whimpers came out, my eyes prickled and my heart rushed off. "I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. If you need anything I'm just over there at the desk." "Thank you." he said in that rough, warm, friendly voice that I had dreamed of so many times in those first few painful months. He watched her leave and then turned back to me, his skin still had that honey kiss to it, his eyes were still that muddy green and his hair was still black and messy as it sat casually on his head. The familiar stubble was there, along with the broad peach lips, high cheek bones and dark rimmed glasses, though they were more modern than his old ones. A dark blue jumper was what he wore, a brown leather belt and pale beige jeans. He was just how I remembered. It was really him. It had never actually been explained to me why he had left, my... - I winced - mother had never liked to talk about it. So no resentment had come from me to him, other than him not fighting for me and my sister, but I didn't know the circumstances, and when I was young my resolution had been that he was my daddy and I couldn't hate him, not at all. With adolescence came anger, but never hate. And now, when my whole world had rolled and tumbled into a roadside ditch here he was, warm, friendly and my father again. "I know this is a lot to take in honey but... well..." he gave a small chuckle and sat on the end of the bed, "I don't really know what to say. I can't imagine what you must be thinking, I don't blame you for not wanting to see me but... I couldn't leave. Not again." slowly I reached out, he smiled and took a long stride over, enveloping me in his strong arms, I fell apart. "Dad!" "I know honey, I'm here, I'm here. I'll never leave again, not now. Shh," he soothed rocking back and forth, to and fro, again and again, he kissed my forehead and smiled warmly. I knew not what was to come, but I knew I had my father back, I may have lost more than I had gained but I'd have to live with that. Yes my heart ached for my losses, but I also had a light at the end of the tunnel now, it came in light jeans and a dark blue jumper, he was my hope, my missing piece, my father.