No Time to Feel
The time as I remember it now was filled with flashing lights, muffled traffic sounds and a strangled cry's from my daughter seated next to me. I heard myself saying words to sooth and control this situation I knew I had no control over. My heart raced with each moment realizing I may be to late to see him one last time. My head forced to look straight forward at on coming traffic as tho it was the beast I readied myself to fight instead of his last moments in time and facing her. I was fighting the tears and keeping my heart rate at a steady beat and trying ever so hard not to let the horrid news that kept ringing in my ears take over my emotions. Were his last words earlier in the day the last I would ever share with him? Did he know I still loved him? Would she be there and after twelve years would I have to speak to her? The car reacted as tho it knew where we were going and why. My daughters voice interupted my thoughts." Mom are we going to make it in time?"
I looked at her and said ,"Baby I am doing my best God willing we are in time!" Before I knew it , I blurted out "Hun I just want you to know I never stopped loving daddy!."
The tears were taking over as though by my very speaking I was losing control I had fought so hard to reign in. We were at the half way mark of the trip to the hospital and at the border control. I lookd into this young mans eyes and knew how hard it would be to say much of anything." Ma'am how long were you over in the United States tonight?" I swallowed hard and tears burned my eyes and I looked back into his and heard myself say. "Sir we have been over less then an hour and we are heading back home to an emergency call that my husband has had a heart attack!" He should have asked more questions they always do, but he saw my pain and said please ma'am go ahead and my prayers are with you." Border officials are hardly ever this nice or this quick but I think he felt the seriousness and lack of time to get there. We pulled into the parking lot and my son in law stood there at the door waiting. From his face I knew the news was not good. He semed like alil boy afraid to tell you what he knew would upset you. I hugged him and felt his tremble next to my chest he was fighting the words and I stopped him. "It's going to be ok Jeff" Now I didn't really feel it was but he needed to hear that. I pushed pass the large steel doors and past the hopsital security. I gave them my name and the patient I seeked information about.
"What is your realtionship to him?"
" I am his wife." I whispered.
They looked at each other sort of unable to find proper words then shook their head and said Dr. Dahhad will speak with you in waiting room 3. I opened the door to the rest of the family already seated in shock and horror of this news. There she sat rocking crying and looking very much afraid of me. We had never spoke a word in 12 years. A mistress is always a hard thing for a wife to deal with.