Sawyer didn’t say anything while he drove me home. I told him when to turn in a shaky voice. I was still scared of myself and what I did, what had happened to me. I thought maybe he was scared, too. He hadn’t exactly signed up for a crazy friend. He opened the door for me when he pulled over to my apartment building.

“Are you really okay?” he asked as I was walking to the fire escape. He still held onto my arm. I noticed for the first time that part of his sweater was darker, from my blood.

I felt that my expression was still absent and I couldn’t find any words. I didn’t even know the truth myself, but I nodded to give at least one of us peace of mind. He reluctantly let me go. I slowly made my way to climb back up the fire escape.

He started to speak again. He hadn’t moved from his station on the sidewalk. I turned to face him. “Call me sometime. When you’re feeling better, I mean.” He tried for more words but failed.

I found the words to the question I had been searching for. “Why did you say you were my brother?”

He sighed and answered with a sly smile, “Did you really want your dad to find out about this?” At least he was putting tonight’s misadventure behind him quickly. He left me and got into his car. I was left with my blank expression and confusion. I turned towards the building again as he drove off.

I continued my journey to the fire escape and began to climb. My arms were weak and in pain, but I pushed through the pain. Part of me still acknowledged the fact that I didn’t want Linda to find out. The window to my room was still open and the light was still off. I checked the window to the left, the living room window. The light was on. I was still trying to understand what was going on. I couldn’t process if the light on was good or bad. I swung myself carefully through my window.

The nausea started in my stomach as soon as I stood upright. I didn’t care at that point if Linda knew; the only thing I wanted to do was to rid my system of the sickening feeling. I wanted to relieve the pressure in my head. I wanted to sleep. I let myself gently on my bed and curled into a tight ball. I didn’t care that I was in wet clothes with a bloody sleeve. I didn’t care that rain was coming in sideways and on my floor through the open window. I shut my eyes tight. I willed myself to forget what had happened and to fall asleep.

My head was still throbbing. The nausea hadn’t subsided. I couldn’t think straight enough to remember where my medicine was. The light in my room was off and that helped and so did the breeze carrying in the rain.

I was so focused on the throbbing that I didn’t notice when Linda appeared at the side of my bed. Her soft hands brushed my cheek as she whispered, “Brooke, are you awake?”

I was too tired and in too much pain to move. I tried to say, “Yes,” but the only thing I could manage was a small noise. Her hand moved to my arm, and her slight gasp expressed her shock. “What happened, Brooke? Where were you?” Her voice was elevating. “Do you know how worried I was?”

I managed to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

She sighed and her voiced returned to the soft and caring level. “You have a headache, don’t you?”

I mumbled my response and she left. She returned and rubbed my shoulder. “Here you go.” I sat up slowly with my eyes still closed and extended my right arm to receive the little pill that made my headaches and nausea disappear. She placed it gently in my hand and I guided it into my mouth. I reached out for the glass of water to help swallow the pill. She gave a cool glass to me and I put it to my lips. I only sipped a little bit, but it was enough to fulfill my goal. I laid back down and curled up again. I knew that the pill would disperse throughout my body soon and it relaxed me.

“I called your dad,” she said quietly. I groaned slightly. The last thing I wanted was for my dad to find out. “I had to. I didn’t know where you were or what had happened to you. I still don’t know.” The minutes went by in silence. I started to feel the side effect of drowsiness starting at the tips of my toes and fingers. She broke the silence and her voice was growing louder again. “You need to tell me. Something obviously happened since your arm and shirt are bloody. Your stitches are brand new. What happened, Brooke? I know you’re not sleeping.”

I was regaining some strength, but I knew I would soon lose it to the pill in exchange for relieving my headache and nausea. I kept my eyes shut and tried to speak, but it came out as a whisper, “I think I remembered something from before. I went to meet Sawyer. I got a headache and he drove me home, but I remembered.”

Her voice was agitated and she stiffened. “What did you remember, Brooke?”

I didn’t want to remember what I did; I didn’t want to re-experience the shear terror I felt. Tears began to well up. I tried to hold them in, but it intensified the throbbing in my head. The tears came pouring out along with the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Someone hurt me. It was all so real, but…but…”

“Who hurt you? Did they do this to your arm?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was running and I fell. I wanted to get away. He was taking me away. I don’t know him.” I was shaking with the new wave of sobs.

She started to stroke my arm and tried to soothe me like a mother soothes her crying baby. Everything was becoming duller and I let the oncoming sleep take over me. I was half conscious when I heard the phone. I wasn’t sure if it was in my dream or reality. The shrill ring continued until she answered it. Her voice was distant, but I could hear her half of the conversation.
“Hello, Ray?” She paused for the other side of the line to respond. “She said she remembered.” Another pause. “She didn’t say. No…” she paused mid-sentence. “She said she remembers running away from someone who was trying to hurt her. She didn’t say anything else.” Pause. Her voice was becoming agitated again. “That was the first question I asked, Ray. She didn’t say. I gave her a couple of those pills; she’s sleeping now.” Pause. “I swear I…” She sighed heavily. “I’ll keep an eye on her. After all,” she chuckled and her voice became sultry, “that is what you are paying me for. Hurry home. I’ll be waiting.” None of this made sense. I surrendered myself fully to the sleep brought on by my medicine.

My night was dreamless, but I awoke panting. I opened my eyes to the brightness of the morning. I peeked at the clock and it read 8:47. My body was stiff from sleeping in the same position all night. I needed to get ready to see Elizabeth. My headache and nausea were gone, but I was cold. The window was closed and I figured Linda must have closed it at some point last night. Grey light cast itself down amongst the clothes I had thrown onto the floor in frustration last night.

My sheets and clothes were still damp, so I got up to change into dry clothes. I didn’t have time to take a shower. I didn’t hear anything outside of my room except the sound of running water. Linda must have been in the shower.

As I took my jeans off, I felt the piece of paper with Sawyer’s number in my right pocket. I took it out. It was stuck together from last night’s rain. I unfolded it and grabbed the phone. I knew I needed to see Elizabeth today, but if I didn’t get the answers I wanted, I didn’t want to waste my time. And knowing that everybody I knew sided with my dad I most likely wouldn’t get the answers. I could call Sawyer and ask him to meet me at the hospital. I could go somewhere away from Linda and possibly stall seeing my dad for a while.

I dialed his number and put the receiver to my ear. He picked up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” He sounded agitated, like he was in the middle of something. I remembered the time and the fact that most students go to in the morning.

“It’s Brooke. Sorry. I forgot what time it was. You weren’t in or anything else important, were you?” I whispered into the opposite end. I didn’t want Linda to hear me just incase she finished getting ready early.

“No, it’s fine. How are you?” he mumbled.

“I’m…okay,” but that was all I could say for lack of a better description. “I was wondering if ask you of a favor and have you meet me at the hospital this morning. I want to…ask you a few questions.”

“Of course, but what time?” I could tell that he was becoming more alert.

“Does around ten work for you?” That would give me half an hour with Elizabeth. If the session wasn’t going anywhere, I could ask to go to the bathroom and then meet up with Sawyer. Sure, Elizabeth would call Linda or my dad when I didn’t return to finish the session, but I would have a little bit of freedom; memories, answers, and freedom were all I wanted now.

“That’s fine. Where do you want to meet?”

“In the lobby. Can I ask another favor of you?”

“Sure, anything.”

“Can you take me somewhere other than the hospital so we can talk.”

He hesitated to answer. “Are you it’s a good to take you in my car again? I don’t want anything to happen like last…”

I cut him off. “Please, Sawyer. I promise that nothing will happen. It’s just that the hospital makes me stressed. All of the doctors and nurses and medical equipment and…” I trailed off.

He gave a little sigh. “Okay. Where do you want to go?”

“Anything is fine. I’m not picky.”
“See you at ten. Bye.

“Thanks. Bye.”

She could not believe what she just did. Despite the promise she made to herself to never let him hurt her again, she bought a plane ticket to seem him during Spring Break. She went over the past few days’ events in her mind to try and make sense of why she would do such a thing. They had talked and cleared a fraction of the air the day before her birthday, but she still wondered what possessed her to buy a plane ticket and give up her vacation to spend it with him.
She hated him so much that she refused to be called by her first name, the name he had picked out at her birth. She changed her last name to her mother’s maiden name after the divorce. She never bothered to send him a card during Christmas. Her mom forced her to send letters and school pictures to him until the day she turned eighteen.

She looked up from her laptop as Lauren started to talk. “I’m going to blow some steam off at the gym. Chem test tomorrow. You wanna come?” Lauren started to change out of her sweats into her workout shorts and sports bra. Her unnaturally fire truck-red hair was already in a high ponytail. She was tan and lean from the hours she spent outside and joining almost every possible club on campus.

“I don’t know, Lauren. I don’t feel good.”

She was lying on the floor, blindly searching for her tennis shoes underneath her bed. “Of course you don’t. You ate a whole carton of ice cream last night right after you finished off a large pepperoni pizza. I think you need to come work out. It’ll do you good. Come on, Mel.” She found her shoes and was tying them to her feet.

“I just feel really depressed right now. I bought a plane ticket.”

Lauren’s face scrunched up in surprise and disbelief. “For what?”

“I’m going to see my dad for Spring Break.”

Lauren stood up and she was tall, unlike her. “I thought you hated him. Why are you going?”

“I don’t even know. I’ll go to the gym with you, but let me change first. You can go on. I’ll meet you there in a few.”

“Okay, Mel.” Lauren bounced over to her and gave her a tight hug. “Just don’t think about it too much like if you really have to pee, you don’t think about water. How ‘bout we use your massage certificates tomorrow or Sunday? It can be a girls’ weekend. We’ll just unwind and not worry about anything.”

“Sounds fine. I’ll be down in a few. Bye.” Lauren bounced out of the room and she waited until she was certain nobody else would come in. She took her chair over to the closet and stepped up. She got her stash of junk food that she hid from everyone, especially Lauren. There was a fresh bag of cheddar and sour cream chips, a box of chocolates from her birthday, and a package of double chocolate chip cookies. She threw them onto her bed and raided the mini-fridge they had purchased together. She found the pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream she bought. She started with the ice cream.

Every time she started to binge, she hated herself. She hated that she kept this from everybody, the feeling of purging afterwards; but she couldn’t stop. This was the one thing she could control. She could eat whatever she wanted as long as she didn’t let her body digest it.

It didn’t start off with the need of approval or the need to be skinny. She wanted to be in control of herself, not just the mindless peers she manipulated. Since middle school they preached about the dangers of eating disorders; but that didn’t stop her. She knew she didn’t have an eating disorder. She could stop anytime she wanted, but she didn’t want to stop. She liked the power of putting something into her body and then deciding that she didn’t want it. She didn’t binge and purge to be skinny like all the girls with the sad-sob stories she heard over and over again.

The reason she hated herself for this need of control was the lying to her mom and friends and Hayden. She kept it from them because she knew they wouldn’t understand her reasons as to why she did this. She hated that she had to sneak enough food for her to be at her breaking point. She almost didn’t make it in time to the bathroom the previous night. Lauren was talking non-stop as she ate the last spoonfuls of ice cream. She lied and said that Hayden wanted to talk to her. She loved Hayden but hated herself for not being able to tell him.